Healing

Today, I had a major breakthough. I spent the morning watching Grey's Anatomy. Though I did get a good workout in, as posted, I felt completely unmotivated to do anything else. The problem was, though I just "wanted" to watch Grey's Anatomy, it was making me miserable. I kept thinking of all the things that I really want to do, or that I 'should' do, and getting mad at myself. Eventually, after taking a shower and getting dressed, and eating some snacks (which I think had to do with my sadness...), I called Abbey. It is absolutely incredible how much she is able to help me. She is like my therapist. Except a therapist who has known you your entire life and who loves you very much. Anyway, she helped me realize a lot of things. (don't know why this is a link!)

One, the reason why I don't want to do anything is because I am not doing what I really want to do with my life: teaching. So I get frustrated doing even things that will help me be a teacher one day (filling out applications, taking tests, etc.) because I felt angry and upset that I have to do this all over again and that it's difficult. After talking with her for awhile, I realized that I have never fully FELT what I was feeling about not being a teacher. I was sad, angry, jealous of other students in my program who've gotten jobs, and most of all, disappointed. But I've been trying to push those feelings away for so long. It is time to really let myself feel that, and then let it go.

As I began to tell Abbey how ironic it was that I started a wellness blog and then this comes up, I realized just how much it made sense: this blog, as I intended it, is about wellness in all areas of my life. Once I made that intention, issues I needed to face came up all around me.

So today, after a healing talk with Abbey, I curled up in bed and cried my eyes out. I wrote a letter to the world - an angry letter expressing my dissapointment and jealousy. Then, I meditated. I put all of the girls in my program that have jobs in a big bubble in front of me, filled it with light, and released it. Then I put all my angry and jealousy in a big bubble, filled that with light, and "blew" it away. I immediately felt a huge weight lift off my heart. True healing, and it felt amazing. I began making affirmations to myself, the biggest ones being, "I am open to receiving the miracles of the world. I am truly embracing possibility." The ones I said over and over for the next few hours? -

I AM A TEACHER. THE WORLD NEEDS ME.

After my meditation, I created. I took a photo of my old class and me, and made my vision. The photo is of my 2nd graders from student teaching, and I put a couple affirmations over their faces, simply because I want to be clear that I don't need "certain kinds" of kids - any class will do. :) The affirmations are: A class needs me. A child needs me. I am here.

By the time Kevin walked into the door, I knew big changes had happened. I am proud of myself for facing my pain and releasing it, and I'm excited to start living in the now, and focusing on the gifts of the present and preparing for my future. I'm also exciting to start increasing my confidence through positive affirmations for myself. I am a teacher; the world needs me. I am beautiful. I am sexy. I am talented. I am athletic. Over and over again. I visualize myself as the person I want to be, feeling how it would feel and truly being that person in my mind's eye. It's a powerful thing.

No more Grey's Anatomy over and over. I was using it as a distraction so I wouldn't have to face the true emotions inside of me. Now, I am open and ready. Here I am!

As for food today, I ate a lot while I was watching Grey's Anatomy. Good observations...when I don't feel good about myself, I tend to eat more. It was mostly healthy until I ate a small batch of homemade cookie dough (not pictured). Today, Kev and I ordered a vegetarian pizza from Domino's (the best pizza ever!) and I had 2.5 slices and a glass of wine. Just now, Kev made me an Amaretto Sour (he's learning to be an at-home bartender!). It's pretty good.

Dinner:

Lunch: Greek Tortellini Salad:

Snack: leftover hard boiled eggs with a dash of salt

Snack: "chicken" patty with a squirt of honey on top

Tomorrow: more actions steps, less Grey's Anatomy! More positive thinking, too :)